20 Helpful Marriage Counseling Questions to Ask Your Spouse

1.What Are Our Main Issues?

The things that matter the most to one spouse often seem insignificant to the other. When you’re in a relationship, couple counseling sessions can focus on these potential conflicts. Ask your spouse what he or she thinks are the main issues between the two of you and what can be done to remedy the situation.

For example, your spouse may think you do not spend enough time together, and you could remedy this by discovering ways you can enjoy time with one another more often. In order to find solutions, you must first know what the problems are.

2.What Issues Are Most Important?

Find out what your spouse considers are the most important issues and work on those first. You should also air your views on what you think the most important issues are so that the two of you can work on them together.

3.Do You Want a Divorce?

If you are worried that the relationship has reached a breaking point, ask directly whether your spouse is considering divorce or feels unsure about staying together. You may want different things from counseling. Being clear about those differences helps the counselor understand whether you want to work on the marriage, explore your options, or discuss separation. Neither person should feel pressured to give a particular answer.

4.Are We Going Through a Bad Phase?

All relationships go through changes. Ask whether the difficulties are tied to a recent event or whether they reflect a pattern that has continued for a long time. Discuss what has changed, what still works, and what each of you needs. Calling something a bad phase should not become a way to dismiss an ongoing problem.

5.How Do You Truly Feel About the Relationship?

You may feel the relationship can be repaired while your spouse feels uncertain or ready to leave. Ask how each of you feels now, without assuming that agreeing to attend counseling means you want the same outcome. Knowing where your partner stands gives you a clearer starting point.

6.What Bothers You Most About Me?

In a marriage, some things about your partner will always get on your nerves. These things are usually not cause for divorce, but big things like a lack of trust and honor can destroy intimacy. By asking marriage counseling questions you can find out what things your spouse would like to change about you and you can work on those issues. Just don’t make promises that you don’t intend to keep.

7.What Kind of Love Do You Feel?

Ask what love and connection feel like to your spouse at this point in the relationship. You may be talking about affection, friendship, attraction, commitment, or several of these at once. Discuss what feels present and what feels missing rather than expecting a single yes-or-no answer to explain everything.

8.Do You Trust Me?

Trust is one of the most important factors in any relationship. If your significant other has a hard time trusting you, it can be difficult to feel close. Ask what trust means to each of you and which experiences have strengthened or damaged it.

9.How Can I Gain Your Trust Back?

If your actions have damaged trust, acknowledge what happened and listen to the impact it had. Ask what specific actions would help your spouse feel more secure, and make only promises you intend to keep. Rebuilding trust involves consistent behavior over time; asking for forgiveness does not mean the other person is ready to give it.

10.Are You Satisfied With Our Intimacy?

Many couples experience changes in physical and emotional intimacy. Ask how each of you feels about your connection, what you miss, and what kinds of affection feel welcome. Discussing differences openly can be more useful than guessing. Neither partner should feel pressured into intimacy to prove commitment or prevent an affair.

11.Are You Seeing Someone New?

If you have concerns about another relationship, raise them directly and calmly. Avoid treating a suspicion as an established fact. If there has been infidelity, discuss honesty, boundaries, and what each person needs to decide what happens next. Responsibility for an affair belongs to the person who chose it; dissatisfaction in a marriage does not make the other partner responsible.

12.Have You Ever Considered Having an Affair?

This is a sensitive question, so think about whether it would be more useful to discuss it with a counselor present. Ask about boundaries, attraction, and concerns about commitment without turning the conversation into an accusation. Keep the focus on what each of you considers a boundary and whether those expectations have been clear.

13.What Are Your Expectations of Counseling?

Ask your partner what they hope to get from marriage counseling. You may want fewer arguments, more closeness, clearer boundaries, or help deciding the future of the relationship. Explain your own expectations too, so the counselor can help you identify where they overlap and where they differ.

14.What Are the Reasons You Want to Work Things Out?

Ask your spouse why they want to work on the marriage, and share your own reasons. Love, family, shared history, children, and practical responsibilities may all be part of the answer. Rather than judging the answer as right or wrong, discuss what each reason means and what a better relationship would look like for both of you.

15.Are There Any Past Conflicts We Should Resolve?

It’s hard to move forward if there are unresolved conflicts. Not only will the past keep coming up in future arguments, it’s hard to get close to someone if you are still angry about something they did. Find out if there are any unresolved issues and work on them.

16.Do You Feel You Can Communicate With Me?

One of the most important aspects of a relationship is communication. If you can’t talk to one another comfortably, you will never be able to work through future problems. Find new ways to improve communication with one another without judging or getting angry.

17.Do You Feel Accepted?

Find out if your spouse feels loved and accepted by you. It’s important to have support, and even more important to gain acceptance from those you love. If your spouse is feeling unappreciated, you need to work on finding ways to show your appreciation for the relationship.

18.How Do You See the Future?

Ask your spouse how they imagine the future, including everyday life, family, work, and the relationship. Are you picturing similar things? If your hopes differ, explore which differences you can discuss and which need more thought. An imagined future is a starting point for a conversation, not proof of whether your partner has given up.

19.Have We Tried Everything?

Look at what you have already tried, what helped, and what did not. Have you had enough support to understand the problem, or have you mostly repeated the same arguments? Discuss one next step you are willing to consider. You do not have to try every possible option before deciding what is right for you.

20.Are You Willing to Change to Make Improvements?

Ask whether you are each willing to make specific, realistic changes. It is more useful to agree on an action you can observe—such as following through on a household agreement or listening without interrupting—than to promise to change everything. Be prepared to examine your own behavior as well as ask for changes from your spouse.