Divorce is a difficult decision to make, but sometimes it can be the only healthy option. If you think it might be time to end your marriage, there are various signs that you can look for to determine when to divorce. It’s never easy to file for divorce, but there are certain situations in which staying in the relationship would have far more negative consequences than leaving. This guide will explain the basic signs that you need a divorce, helping you make an informed decision about when it’s time to contact a divorce attorney. If you’re looking for couples counseling, our partner, betterhelp.com provides online counseling services with over 14,000 licensed therapists. As an affiliate, we receive compensation if you purchase BetterHelp’s services.
1) Excessive Negative Interactions
Social psychologists have known for years that it’s not necessarily the severity of disagreements but the quantity that indicates the need for a divorce. The magic ratio in any happy relationship is five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. You know when to divorce partially by weighing your positive interactions against the negative ones. This advice contradicts the popular misconception that small arguments are insignificant as indicators of marital problems. If you find that you have significantly more negative interactions with your partner than positive interactions, it may be a sign that you need a divorce and should contact a divorce attorney.
2) Argument Severity
Even the magic ratio has its limitations. The existence of more positive interactions than negative ones should not be taken as proof that you don’t need a divorce. Very severe and hurtful arguments are one of the most crucial signs to get a divorce. Many couples don’t know when to divorce and stay in unhealthy relationships because they rarely argue, ignoring the fact that those arguments are filled with hurtful or abusive behaviors. The severity of arguments can be an indication that you need a divorce, particularly if the arguments tend to devolve into personal insults rather than topical disagreement. Arguing about things is a normal part of any marriage, but it should not be a frequent occurrence, and you should never feel devalued by the other person during the argument. One of the hallmarks of a successful marriage is being able to stick to a single topic of disagreement without generalizing small problems into larger issues with the relationship. If you can’t resolve conflicts this way, it may be time to contact a divorce attorney.
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3) Different Values
While people with different belief systems often manage to maintain successful marriages, those couples tend to do so by finding common ground in shared values. Knowing when to divorce revolves around knowing when you reach a point where your core values are so different from your partner’s that you will never be able to find common ground. For example, if one partner greatly values having a large family, while the other puts a higher value on achieving career success, it is likely that they will eventually need a divorce unless those values change. Sometimes knowing when to divorce requires looking toward the future and determining whether each person’s idea of what that future looks like is acceptable to the other. If your partner wants a future you could never be happy with, it may be a sign you need a divorce.
4) Marriage Counseling Isn’t Working
Marriage counseling is a great way to work on your problems and receive the invaluable input of an objective third party with training in dispute resolution. Numerous marriages are saved each year through marriage counseling, but both partners must be equally committed to the process for marriage counseling to work. If your spouse isn’t committed and you still want to save your marriage, try the Lone Ranger Track of Mort Fertel’s Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp. If you have been involved in marriage counseling for at least several months with no signs of progress, that standstill can be a strong indicator of when to divorce. Knowing when to divorce requires first making an effort to fix the problems in the marriage so neither party has regrets.
5) Unfaithfulness
One of the most crucial indicators of when to divorce is if one or both partners have gone outside the marriage to pursue another relationship. While some couples manage to recover from the pain that an affair causes, others take it as validation that they need to end it. Even after a major issue such as an affair, knowing when to divorce is still largely a matter of timing. Marriage counseling can help you determine whether your marriage can survive an affair, or whether you should start thinking about when to divorce. Unfaithfulness destroys the trust in a relationship, so often marriage counseling is not enough to rebuild that trust, and a divorce becomes the only option.
6) Other Signs to Get a Divorce
It may seem strange, but many people consult a divorce attorney before they have made a decision about when to divorce. Some couples even hire a divorce attorney while they are pursuing marriage counseling. Although hiring a divorce attorney prior to deciding when to divorce or whether to divorce at all may seem counterproductive, a divorce attorney can actually be a great resource. Your divorce attorney has likely worked with hundreds of couples over the years and may be able to provide you with information on when to divorce and whether your situation can be solved with divorce or a separation. Your divorce attorney may even recommend a temporary separation to give both parties some breathing room. Many couples actually decide to stay together after consulting a divorce attorney and engaging in a trial period of separation.
Related Article: 8 Tips on How to Save Your Marriage From Divorce
7) Emotional Exhaustion
Emotional exhaustion is often the final sign that you need a divorce. When you go through marriage counseling, apply all the techniques to your relationship, and you still feel drained, a divorce can be the only way to salvage your emotional health. When one or both parties check out of the relationship emotionally, it means that there is very little chance that you will be able to find a solution to your marital problems. Marriage requires a commitment from both parties, so one of the most reliable signs for when to divorce is when one or both partners have given up.
8) Abuse
There is never any excuse for physical, emotional, or sexual abuse! NEVER EVER! Yes, you can sexually abuse your spouse, so don’t do it. A marriage license is a contract between two people to make a home, not a certificate of ownership. If you’re being abused, you don’t need to feel bad about leaving. You don’t need to feel bad that your spouse won’t see the kids. Someone who abuses someone that they made a commitment to love and cherish deserves whatever pain they feel. And the children will be better for not seeing abuse. Abuse is a rock-solid, indisputable reason for divorce.
9) Irreconcilable Anger
There are times when the pain and anger of a relationship can push a good person to the point where they fear that they will do something that they regret. That’s a signal that it’s a good time to get out. If you find yourself having to hold back from harming your spouse, or even yourself, you should get out the relationship. Often, people who have crossed the line to hitting and harming have been there too long. Their mind can’t see a way out. If you can feel that time coming, get out. Better for be divorced than convicted.
You can learn more on how to avoid divorce in our Marriage Counseling Guide.
Well I think that while these may be very vague, I can say from experience going through it right now that lack of reaching common ground with very different values, morals and even drive of motivation is a killer of a relationship. Making big decisions like buying a vehicle knowing full well they cannot afford it, taking money out of an account and leaving 28 dollars and creating separate accounts is a killer of trust, no sex initiation, no trust, no communication, lack of respect for ones parenting skills and the child feels the same cost antlers trying to come with ways to work on a relationship and the other person always does something to fuck it up, no way of planning for the future because they fuck it up…. I feel like I’m in no win situation caged because every decision I try to make will include him and in the end he will fuck it up
Im married for 8yrs and am sick of my marriage. I wish there is a way out of it. My wife just wants to stay married even with the knowledge that im totallly unhappy in the marriage. We dont have any kids and thats not helping as well
Many feel your hurt and frustration.
Thank God for the no sex initiative.
You’re not alone!!!!
I’ve been married 25 years and know we need to divorce. Kids are interfering with that currently. I’ve always been the primary bread winner but was forced to go on disability due to Depression, anxiety, panic disorder and ADHD. My wife resented me for it. She had pie in the sky expectations that are not being fulfilled and feels she doesn’t deserve it. She’s an entitled bitter woman. My plan is to slowly get off disability and be the main moneymaker again but not for her. I’m choosing sanity over a toxic relationship and feel no guilt about it.
I’ve been married 25 years and know we need to divorce. Kids are interfering with that currently. I’ve always been the primary bread winner but was forced to go on disability due to Depression, anxiety, panic disorder and ADHD. My wife resented me for it. She had pie in the sky expectations that are not being fulfilled and feels she doesn’t deserve it. She’s an entitled bitter woman. My plan is to slowly get off disability and be the main moneymaker again but not for her. I’m choosing sanity over a toxic relationship and feel no guilt about it.
My husband and I got married 4 months ago. He convinced me we didn’t need my car anymore because he had 2 newer vehicles. Car gone. He didn’t want me to work so I opted to be a stay at home wife. He moved into my home with me when we got married.
About 2 months in, he left me for a week, leaving me without a vehicle and called the bank and had my debit card cancelled. Then he came back.
Before we were even 3 months into the marriage he got mad at me and rammed me up against a wall and head butted me. I kicked him out, leaving myself in a huge jam, unable to pay my bills or even obtain work.
I demanded a divorce which he has not done anything to get. Tonight we had our first (phone) conversation that didn’t end in yelling and blaming. Instead, we are considering marriage counseling.
He is still gone and I intend for him to stay out of the house and away from me unless he is meeting me for counseling.
Someone please give me an opinion on whether I am down right stupid for even considering it or if counseling is actually the right thing to do! Help!
Honey, I’m so sorry but you need to not walk away. but run. Run hard and fast and don’t look back. This man has several problems and life is too short to solve them all.
Why is it even a question, LEAVE NOW everything he’s done to you so far IS A PREVIEW.
I think you should get out. One instance of physical violence is too much. The card cancelling and leaving you with out a car is control. Read Lundy Bancroft why does he do that.
I’m amazed how fast we can think about getting married yet just about as fast as we will think about reasons to divorce. I’ve done the same but had to understand how to think about why I marry my spouse in the first place. After having kids and how both my wife and I changed and we both lost each other. Look people this type of thinking is dangerous and yet easy to fall into.
Here is is one resource that you can look into about how to save your marriage.
Stop thinking of how to get out, but why to stay together!
Out of nowhere my husband tell me he’s not in love with me anymore just six months back I was the sexiest woman I love me even said if he had asked me to marry him again what would I say of course yes till about middle September he told me he fell out of love with me but he cares about me and even though we have an attraction to each other we still intimate with each other it just seems cold afterwards he’s on Facebook with other women briefly he started put his picture on line walking out come in another woman on her smile I don’t know what to do I love them and I want to save my marriage What do I do
I married my husband when I was just 20, we are the same age. I knew he was not right for me then, embarrassed to say I have stayed in this marriage for a lifetime…thinking I could change him. I have known for many years that we can not change anyone but ourself. I have dealt with low self esteem my whole life. Poor communication with him leaves me drained. No matter what the discussion, he always veers off with drama and does not stay focused on the issue at hand. I know My mind is sharper and quicker than his. That is one more thing that annoys him.
His upbringing was very disfunctional, with a father who put him down a lot. I know ge didn’t feel love…and always kept to himself…
My upbringing was more solid and regardless of my parents marriage dysfunction, I always felt their love towards me and my syblings. But I never let them know how depressed I was because if their fighting.
So I married believing ut was my job to fix my husband, so we would not fight.
There have been laughs along the way, but when the arguing starts it’s loud. I flash back to my childhood when I see my husband lose it.
Not really sure why I’m going on, on this blog.
To anyone who thinks they can fix their partner, nope you can not.
Who they are growing up is who they will always be, most people do not change for the most part. The individual has to really work hard to change their way if thinking. The odds are slim to none.
My struggle right now is trying to believe in my self, and pray for courage. Take care of my self and not lose my mind.
Btw….withour me saying my age, I know by what I have expressed here, it’s not that difficult to figure out.
It’s Hard to know what to do. My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years now. He doesn’t do drugs, hit me or anything like that. But I don’t desire him, never really have never really felt it for anyone, sex is a once a week thing usually and it’s always about what makes him feel good and reach the end. Also he doesn’t help out around the house. He feels that as the woman I should cook, clean the house and take care of our young son because he works 40-50 hours a week and he’s tired when he gets home. While that vastly annoys me what gets me the most is he tries to pick fights with me thinking that will make me more romantically inclined, or just at times says some hurtful things. Now he’s not always bad but I get the feeling that he does the minimum to keep me off of his back. If he was more malicious I would say that he occasionally does nice things just to keep me with him and hoping but I don’t think he thinks that much into it. What I’m getting at is it worth throwing away a marriage because he sometimes says hurtful things, and I don’t mean leave me crying hurtful but the hurtful that just makes you feel tired and less willing to do anything, and doesn’t do enough around the house or have a whole lot to do with our son, unless I point out that he should, just to be a single mother with shared custody making it on my own? That’s what scares me, being alone. Doing everything alone. As I said he’s not the worst but he’s far from the best.
i am going through same thing my husband left me about month ago we have four children . he only one working in the home . he came home working i was like what .He acted like i didn’t do anything . i cook clean and raise the kids . i need more help i need to be knowledge .
My husband left me twice for the same woman I for gave him the first time I just can’t forgive him but yet he’s refusing to give me a divorce
Sounds like my marriage. My husband is a porn addict.
I have been married for almost 7 years but together for over 13. We have not had sex for 9 years of our marriage and now he pretty much ignores me as far as affection is concerned. I know he loves me as he helps me out with my job (self employed) and he tells me but affection is non existent and nothing happens unless I initiate it. Any advice appreciated.
It’s time to move on, I’m married 29 years and finally filed for divorce because my husband is a coke addict. I’ve had enough. It’s been stressful, sexless, and he is dilusional. It’s sad when I tried to help him and he’s so addicted that he chose to ruin relationships on both sides of families!